Alright Clint Sammons! Alright Mike Hampton!

Clint Sammons, fresh from the minors, had a big night, going 3-4 with a HR and 3 RBIs, and Mike “Ironman” Hampton had a 2b and dos RBIs and got the win, his first since 1978 pitched 5 solid innings. Alright guys!

Clint, welcome. Mike, welcome back. Francoeur, go home. Actually don’t go; since I’m sort of a dick I want to play a game called, “How low will Jeff’s slash line go?” My predictions: .245/.300/.369, up slightly from his current line of .235/.293 /.368. He’s batting .244/.352/.311 since the All-Star break and .304/.393/.348 over the past 7 games, so he could conceivably pull his numbers into the .260/.330/.366 range* if he keeps up the past week’s pace.

In less boring news, the Braves won! And they didn’t just win, they won with Mark Kotsay batting 3rd. So, let’s pause the hating for at least a few hours and celebrate this freak occurrence.

*This is a total guess. I actually have no idea what his season totals would be if he kept up the past 7 days pace. the result of a possibly skewed equation I came up with while slightly drunk. For all I know it could be anywhere from accurate to totally wrong. To figure it, I multiplied his current line times 5/8, the amount of the season played so far, and his past 7 game’s line times 3/8, and then added the results. Sabermeticians reading this**, let me know if I’m right or wrong.

**That’s sort of an inside joke with myself because I have approximately 3-5 readers, including both my parents (or so they say), my step-mom, my cat, Ron Gant’s brother-in-law, my alter-ego, Levin Yungblood Jenkins, and, of course, you.

I don’t buy this shit for a second

I call bullshit on this.

Braves Lose Fifth Straight; Light Officially Too Dim To See

The Braves lost their fifth straight game last night to the Cardinals. In good news for them Chris Carpenter returned for four scoreless innings; in shitty news for us Hudson’s elbow is still is more fucked than anyone could have imagined. As usual, Jair pitched well (7 IP, 3 ER) and the bullpen imploded (2 IP, 4 ER). In unusual news Francoeur had as many hits as he had outs, with a walk tossed in to boot! Could it be that he’s finally getting his shit together now that it won’t matter one bit? Let’s hope so; I, for one, certainly want to see him artificially inflate his numbers now that the season is ruined so he can sign that fat multi-year contract he’s so greedily, and unwisely, held out for.

I’m sorry, do I sound upset? Do I really? Well, I guess I am BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE THING THAT COULD HAVE GONE WRONG THIS SEASON DID GO WRONG AND NOW I HAVE TO HEAR SHIT FROM MY FRIENDS FROM PHILLY. DO YOU REALIZE THAT I AM ONLY 90 MINUTES FROM THAT HELLHOLE? THAT MEANS THERE ARE MORE OF THEM HERE THAN THERE ARE OF US; I’M KNEE DEEP IN SWARTHY AND UNSAVORY CHARACTERS. WHILE YOU GRIEVE IN THE COMFORT OF THE GLORIOUS AND STERILE SOUTH, CRYING ON THE SHOULDER OF EQUALLY DESPONDENT FRIENDS AND FAMILY, I’M TRAPPED HERE IN THE DARK, DIRTY MID-ATLANTIC REGION SURROUNDED BY THE ENEMY, WHO, REST ASSURED, ARE GODLESS, UNPATRIOTIC AND BADLY DRESSED. THIS IS THE WORST.

Remember This Prediction?

ESPN -Unsung Braves built for October Glory.

Some highlights, all of which are now cringe-worthy and tear-inducing:

“I don’t think anybody should be looking forward to going into Atlanta this year and facing [Tim] Hudson, Smoltz and Glavine,” said Nationals manager Manny Acta. “And [Mike] Hampton, too. That’s a bunch of tough hombres to go up against. And as long as Bobby Cox is over there, I don’t think anybody should overlook that team.”

…

“I really believe,” said catcher Brian McCann, “we’ve got every piece of the puzzle in place.”

…

“The feeling here last year was, we had to have our two studs, Smoltzie and Huddie, go and go big,” Francoeur said. “But the feeling this year is completely different. I think the feeling is, if Smoltzie misses a start or two this year, we’re covered. If Hampton needs a couple of starts off, or anybody, it’s OK now, because we have that depth to fill that in. Last year, if we didn’t have our two big guys going, we had to score six, seven, eight runs a game.”

…

“When I walked in here for the first time, in spring training of 2000, there was a clear difference [in attitude] from any place I’d ever been,” said Wren. “I’m not sure we had that feeling in our clubhouse last year. But I think we have it again.”

…

Plus, the Braves have a quality that struck everyone who saw them this spring. When we say they’re back, we don’t just mean on the field. We mean in their minds.

Oh, what could have been.

Braves Lose to Cardinals Again, Appear Lost, Confused and Sort-of Like The Guys in the Video Below, Except With Less Laughing and More Injuries*

After wasting another quality start from Campillo, the Braves give up 5 in the top of the ninth to lose 8-2.

Yikes.

Things are really looking bad now, aren’t they?

*I realize a video about British soldiers on LSD is a poor metaphor for the shambles the Braves’ season has become. But it was funny and it happened to be sent to me as I was reading about last night’s loss, so don’t be a dick about it. That being said, I don’t think it’s entirely unjustified; I mean, I doubt there are many organizations more confused and unsure of themselves than the Braves are right now. Combine that with the part where the commander tries his damnedest to keep shit together and it keeps on falling apart, and you can see why it was appealing.

The Odds of the Braves Making the Playoffs Are Now Approximately Much Worse Than They Were When They Were Approximately Not Very Good, And That’s Not Even Taking Into Consideration the Recent Injuries and Trades

2.52840, 2.32326, or 1.64730 are the odds, depending on which hyper-complicated calculation you prefer, of the Braves making the playoffs if the rest of this year’s games were played a million times.

These odds are obviously much worse than they were 15 days ago. These should be surprising to exactly no one who has paid even the tiniest bit of attention to Braves baseball for the past week.

Wave That White Flag!

According to reports, the Braves have agreed to trade Teixeira to the Angels for first basemen Casey Kotchman and minor league pitcher Steven Marek.

Kotchman is a nice pick-up. His defense is comparable to Tex’s, and his line of .287/.327/.448 ain’t bad, especially when he’s making 1/9th of Teixeira’s salary and isn’t eligible for free agency ’til after 2011.

With Hudson possibly done for the season and Chipper on the 15, the Braves had no choice; they did the smart thing, and hopefully it’ll pay off in upcoming seasons.

Here’s a good breakdown of the Teixeira situation before the trade from Joe Sheehan at Baseball Prospectus. Obviously, it does a much better job of explaining the issue, and it includes some useful analysis of the differences between Kotchman and Teixeira.

A Reflection On Recent Events

In a world tuned upside down and evil, a world in which, on subsequent nights, your team blows six and five-run leads, you know something is askew, something beyond foreign government’s gas subsides. No, this is something that runs much deeper than xenophobia; it belongs to a greater wrong, a darkness more similar and ancient to Mayan-predicted apocalypse than passive Olympic propaganda. I feel that the most likely culprit is a conspiracy amongst the gods, a grouping of deities who have clearly grown tired of the greatness that has been, of late, Braves baseball. What else could explain the recent rash of injuries, the devastating missed opportunities against hated division rivals, and, most recently, one-sided losses to teams favored by sell-outs and the unpatriotic.

In case you’ve been away for the weekend, as I was, allow me to recount the past four days’ tragedies in all their gut-wrenching glory. First there were the injuries, in the same game no less, to Tim Hudson and Chipper Jones, two of three Braves’ players who have consistently been excellent this season. Both were placed on the 15-day DL today*. Then there was the horrific and hypocrite-making self-destruction that was Saturday’s game against the Phillies, who, as we’ve previously established, are fucking evil. And then, to really drive home the point, there was yesterday’s implosion against the same dreaded team, except this time the Braves’ third consistently awesome player was taken out of the game due to a concussion suffered during a brutal collision with twat face extraordinaire Shane Victorino. Who knows what fate awaits the glorious Brian McCann, may god bless his tormented and dumbly bearded soul.

I am not sure what I’ve done to deserve such an awful fate. I have undoubtedly done terrible things many times in the not-so-distant past, but nothing I can think of justifies this sort of treatment. Maybe it’s my sins in conjunction with the collective guilt that most Atlantans of my class suffer from/deserve, or maybe it’s a random and cruel twist of the universe handed to me objectively, something that I could someday look back on and from which I can learn valuable lessons. What exactly these lessons are I’m not sure of, because goddamnit I grew up in a golden era, an era without unjust wars, obscenely expensive gasoline, terrible real estate markets, or contending Phille teams. Is this growing up, the dreaded and oft-mentioned descent into boring and Excel-laden adulthood? I pray thee, please say no.

But seriously, this is the fucking worst.

*And now there is a good chance Hudson is done for the year. This makes me feel queasy:

“Wren said only that the injury was in “the area” of the ulnar collateral ligament. If it’s a torn ligament, Hudson could face season-ending “Tommy John” ligament-transplant surgery and a recovery period that typically lasts at least 12 months.

The Braves will hope for something less severe in their 33-year-old ace’s pitching arm. Hudson is 11-7 with a 3.17 ERA in a staff-leading 142 innings, and has a 146-77 career record in 10 seasons with Oakland and Atlanta.

More Awesome News!!

Ugh and Ugh.

More later.

Braves Ruin My Shit Talking Text Message, Blow Huge Lead

A conversation via text between my douchebag Philly-fan friend Ben and me. The first text was sent just after the Braves’ monster 4th inning.

Me: What happened in the 4 tv? I missed it.

Ben: What?

Me: What happened in the fourth inning? Sorry.

Ben: You’re sad.

(twenty minutes later)

Ben: What happened in the fifth?

Me: I hate my life.

Fuck.

More later when I get back from NY.