A Blog About the Atlanta Braves
After a rapid decline that saw him fall from being one of the game’s best 2bmen to being cut from the Rockies minors in just over three seasons (VORP for 2005,2006, and 2007: 41.4, 14.1, and -8.7), the Phillies are giving him another chance. If he’s placed on the 40 man roster, his salary for ‘09 is guaranteed for $600,000.
Good news for Marcus, who always seemed like a decent person and was an enthusiastic player. Hope he does alright, even if it is for the Phillies.
Philadelphians are notoriously awful people. They are selfish, greedy, sneaky, and willing to pelt you with batteries for even the slightest offense. In the photo above you can see one such specimen from the safety of your own home. But careful, this distance doesn’t provide total protection from the existential terror such a creature inspires; for evidence of this, just stare into this hideous man’s demonic eyes, which scream darkness, nihilism, blood lust and, more than anything, deep resentment of recent championships. It is as if their entire fan base were conjured up from the deepest part of Cormac McCarthy’s imagination after a night in which his dreams were wrecked with nightmares.
Such a beast will lash out at anything that reminds it of its own failures and shortcomings. Victims of its harsh and unfair wrath include (but are certainly not limited to): cute babies, the non-morbidly obese, clean-cut Americans, the Bible, women of all sorts, Barack Obama, traditional marriage, non-traditional marriage, gays, non-gays, black people, white people, the American way, foreigners, fourteen consecutive division championships, democracy, and JD Drew.
Say what you want about us Braves fans but we know what we like and we are more or less up front about it. We like shade, Patriotism, collared shirts, pre-faded hats, cargo shorts, traffic, and white people. We’re not so sure about enthusiasm or selling out playoff games, and I sometimes question our embracement of people of color who aren’t Hank Aaron. We are not always proud of such attributes, but, as decent southerners, we will usually admit them in certain company.
However, if subtle racism and poor sartorial choices are the worst they’ve got on us, then we’re a-okay. Baseball has its roots in racism and you can read the mainstream presses’ barbaric treatment of Gary Sheffield and Milton Bradley for recent, less explicit examples. That’s not even mentioning the minuscule number of African-Americans in the majors (8.5% at last count). So, without making excuses, our racism puts us on par with the rest of you assholes but our accents and past make us easier to peg. (And don’t think they won’t throw the racist hick card at you because they will, and often.)
As for the pitiful fan participation of the past eight years or so, well, I don’t have a definite explanation for that. One could say we got tired of winning, but Yankees fans never seem to have that problem. Instead of considering the blasted possibility that New Yorkers somehow care more, I’ll instead offer the theory that it has something to do with Southerners moving slowly; in the southern heat there is only so much energy you can muster and I’ll be damned if Turner Field doesn’t demand most of it. Then again, no other team in baseball history was as good for as long as the Braves were during the 90s and early aughts, so it is understandable that some of the novelty wore off, especially with so little post-season success.
But the point here is that at least we are discriminatory with what we don’t like; Philadelphians, on the other hand, seem to hate any and everything, even each other. The only baseball players from the past 20 years they haven’t hated at one time or another have been Lenny Dykstra and Jon Kruk, two men so ugly and atrocious even Satan himself wouldn’t want them on his team, which is precisely my point: Phillies fans are more evil than the devil.
To make the whole matter worse, Phillies fans have two recent tragedies to hold over our heads: the 1993 NLCS and all of last season. The best response to both, I’ve found, is to nod politely and then ask them to get back to you when they A) win a World Series or B) win 14 straight division titles. Then remind them that they probably weren’t born or were very young when the Phillies last won it all, and that any team can win just one division title.
While it will make you feel better, this argument will have little to no effect on a true Phillies fan; they are a belligerent and stubborn group, and nothing you say or do to them can be as bad as what they do to each other in their spare time. In this sense they are like Navy Seals or First Recon Marines; they intentionally put each other through hell so that come game time their calluses, as well as their skulls, are so thick nothing can break through. From a distance this tactic is admirable, especially compared with the pussy-ish behavior of most Braves fans, yours truly included, but don’t get caught up in awe, less some sort of warped Stockholm syndrome sets in. Instead, just be thankful such masochism doesn’t run so thickly in your hometown’ s blood. Remember, they are a cursed people, and give thanks that you were born amongst the civilized.
When I venture up to the dark city from my current residence in Baltimore ( a mere 90 miles from the wretched place), I always bring with me a can of mase and a capsule of cyanide, which I hide behind my molars in case I’m abducted and forced to listen to rambling Marxist theory by someone in a Cole Hamels jersey. Death is immeasurably easier than suffering through such terror, but, of course, anything would be. If you plan on visiting the cursed Citizens Bank Park, especially if your visit coincides with a game in which that shaggy-haired twat Hamels is pitching, I suggest you bring with you a similar concoction of self-defense technology and worst-case scenario juice. You will thank me later.
While being booed during his introduction at the Home Run Derby, Utley bravely cursed the savage natives in Yankee Stadium.
Well said.
Ryan Howard is batting .234. This is bad. Like, Andruw in 2007 bad. He is on pace for 218 Ks, which would best the current MLB record, which he holds, by 19. Inconceivably, he is also on pace for 47 home runs, 145 RBIs, and 103 runs.
Larry “Chipper” Jones, on the other hand is batting .375/.472/.618 slugging. His power number predictions: 34 Home Runs, 94 RBI, and 101 runs. Despite his absurd average, the just mentioned numbers, which are what really count, are all below his 162 game average. This could be because NO ONE ELSE ON THE BRAVES CAN HIT FOR SHIT, save for McCann most of the time and Teixiera sometimes, but it is also because Chipper no longer can/wants to hit for power like he used to. Remember when they were one-hit and then two-hit in a three game series against the Dodgers? I do, goddamnit. In fairness to the Braves, the Dodgers do have the league’s lowest team ERA. But still, three hits in two games is fucking pitiful.
If you need any explanation for why the Atlanta Braves are not in first place in the NL East (other than the awful records on the road and in one-run games and the injuries and Jeff Francoeur), this is it. Only in an unfair world with no God would a player with 43 more strike outs than hits be having more of an positive impact on his team than a player who has threatened .400 for nearly three months.
In case you are too lazy to click on the above links (which may be excessive), let’s do a quick timeline of Phillie fans/Myers douche-baggery:
June 23, 2006: Myers is arrested in downtown Boston for assaulting his wife in manner described as “vicious” by the 911 caller. He reportedly punched her in the face and then dragged her by her hair, all in public. His wife eventually drops the charges.
August 25th, 2007: After a loss, Myers gets into a verbal confrontation with Sam Carchidi, a reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer. Before lunging at Carchidi, Myers calls the reporter “retarded” and a “fucking idiot.”
July 1, 2008: After giving up a lead-leading 24 homeruns with a stellar 3-9 record and 5.84 ERA, Myers is demoted to triple-A Lehigh Valley. Naturally, his wife blames herself.
And yes, this is a bitter reaction to the Phillies-Braves game last night. At least Chipper is back, going 1-3 with a double and two walks. So, if I may, allow me to retract my earlier advice.
AJC Braves News
